Story Behind the Songwriter
The day my life was changed by grief
It all started on October 17th , 1994, when I arrived home from work, I was told that my younger brother Ray had completed suicide. This was completely unexpected because I was never told he had been diagnosed with schizophrenia. It was only later, when I went home for
his funeral, that I discovered all the things my family decided not to tell me. My family had decided it would be better for me not to know about these things because they didn’t want me to worry about him. I had already started my grieving process at that point, but didn’t know that was what I was experiencing. I went through a period of time self medicating with alcohol and cigarettes.
I had spent the last few years teaching myself to play guitar and the songs that I played were the only way I could express myself. I have never learned to play any songs by any bands, rather I just played music that I had written myself. When I started playing the guitar I was living with a band in California. The guitarist for the band told me to learn all my chords and told me not to take any guitar lessons for at least 2 years. He said it would help me develop my own style of playing, he told me to put the chords together that sounded good to me when I played them. I never have taken any guitar lessons and people remark how unique and relaxing my music is when they listen to me play.
After I returned home from Ray’s funeral, I embarked on a journey of self medicating and playing my guitar. I turned to my music to express how I was feeling because I didn’t know how to speak about my feelings. I grew up in a family where we didn’t talk about our feelings. I carried on the family tradition about holding my feelings in and doing my best to function day to day. I kept trying to hide all my feelings about the deep loss I was feeling and the pain I was battling saying goodbye to my brother.
My son was 3 when my brother made his decision to end his life and was 5 when we had to tell him that Dad was getting an apartment of his own and that Mom and Dad weren’t going to be married anymore. I will never forget his face….it only added to the feelings I was trying to keep inside.
I found myself alone in a small apartment with just my booze, cigarettes and guitar, struggling with how to move on with my life without Ray. It was only by the Grace of God that I found a support group for the family and friends of loved ones that had completed suicide. This was the only place I felt safe talking about what I was feeling and I could hear other people talking about the same emotions that I was experiencing. The facilitator was a wonderful person whose husband had completed suicide and she had been on this same healing journey, learning to live without him. She could see that I was really struggling with my grief and would always speak to me one on one to make sure that I was really doing okay and wasn’t just saying that I was okay.
At the time I was a professional automotive technician and would regularly help people that couldn’t afford to have their car repaired by a shop. They were people working minimum wage jobs and any other small jobs to make ends meet, to provide for their families. I felt that this was something I could for others that needed their car to survive. It was one thing I would do that would bring a small amount of joy into my healing journey. Many times I worked and only received a home cooked meal, they wanted to do more, but it was nice to just have some good food with the family I was helping. When my facilitator found out that I was helping families with car repairs, she approached me about helping her family with their car. I was happy to help her and her family get the car repaired, I wanted to make sure she would always be there at our meetings each week.
When I was at her house repairing the family car, she asked me how I was doing with my healing journey and where I was in my grieving. I told her that I had been writing songs about the feelings I was struggling with while trying to say goodbye to Ray. She asked me if she could read them, I had never shown these songs to anyone…..ever. They were very personal and I wasn’t sure if I was ready to let someone else see them. I remember telling her that they were really depressing song lyrics and the music made them even more depressing.
I eventually let her read my song lyrics and she told me that they were beautiful songs and that I was able to capture how many people feel during the grieving process. She then asked me if I would play and sing some of these songs for her, I told her that I would think about it and let her know. I didn’t know why she would want to hear this music that I had written, I didn’t understand how she could see them as beautiful.
I finally decided I would play my songs for her at her house when she was paying the car repair bill with a home cooked meal. I can’t remember which songs I played that night or how many of them I played. I do remember her with her box of tissues and the tears were flowing with the music. When I was done playing my songs for her, I remember saying to her “See aren’t those the most depressing songs you’ve heard?”. She told me again how beautiful my songs were and how I needed to play these songs for our support group. I told her that I have never played publicly much less sing publicly. Again I told her I would think about it…I remember thinking why would anyone want to listen to these very sad songs. I told her that I would agree to play and sing my songs if everyone in our group wanted to hear them after I read the lyrics in one of our meetings. The next week I read some of my song lyrics for our group and to my surprise they all wanted to hear me play and sing my songs. I thought many hours during the week leading up to my playing and singing my songs for our group. I practiced the songs in my apartment, but I didn’t sing them. I just imagined how I would sing them…to be perfectly honest, I had never sung these songs aloud until I sang them for my facilitator at her house.
Finally it was Thursday night and I stood at the door for our meetings, holding my guitar case and trying not to let people see how nervous I was about doing this performance. I remember telling everyone in our group “If these songs were too emotional or sad, to please leave the room.” I didn’t want to make their grieving any harder than it already was and I remember telling everyone it would be like a standing ovation if they left the room. I also told them that it wouldn’t hurt my feelings. I played all the songs that I had written and there were tears on everyone's faces. I was shocked to see that nobody had left the room, but they were all sobbing. When I finished playing and was talking about my songs, I asked why nobody left the room. Almost everyone agreed that I was able to put what they were feeling and going through into a song. They had never heard anything like my music before. Over the next year I would occasionally bring my guitar and play some of my new songs about my healing journey, I seemed to be getting more comfortable with playing for my support group.
My facilitator was one of my biggest fans and she encouraged me to keep writing about my emotions and my grieving process. I recall one night at our group she announced there was going to be a statewide conference for all the grief support groups that supported suicide grief. She handed out pamphlets about the conference. I read the pamphlet and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to attend such an event. When our group meeting was over, she came over and said she wanted to ask me a question about the conference. She asked me if I had thought about attending the conference and I told her I hadn’t made up my mind yet. She asked me if I would go and play my music, she had spoken to the planning committee and they wanted me to play all 10 of my songs and read the 1 poem I had written. They were actually going to pay me too…I didn’t understand why they wanted to pay me to make everyone there cry. I let my facilitator know I would think about it and give her my answer at our next meeting.
I prayed for many of the nights about if I should perform at this conference. I was worried about playing for that many people, I had just barely started to feel comfortable playing for our support group. I finally decided I would play the conference, but I had one request of my facilitator. I told her that I would only play the conference if they would hand out my lyric sheets with an explanation of what I was feeling or going through when I wrote each song. She was really excited and she was more than happy to put together the lyrics sheets that everyone would receive.
Now I really started to pray about having to perform my music for a large crowd. My songs are my feelings and what if people didn’t like them or understand them. I over thought the ‘What if’s’ for the month leading up to the conference. I arrived early to do a sound check, I had never performed through a sound system or sang into a microphone in my life. Why did I agree to this, how am I going to do this, I kept asking myself these questions repeatedly while we setup and I gazed around the chapel at the conference site. I am convinced that God Blessed my voice and playing that day.
I survived the ordeal and all who attended thanked me for playing my songs and sharing my story about my healing journey. I have later reflected on the fact that I was playing on the alter area of the chapel and it would make sense that God was there with me…one set of footprints.
I can’t explain how I have managed to compose the music and lyrics I have about my healing journey, other than it is a gift from God. I have never taken any lessons on songwriting or playing the guitar, I just feel it in my heart. I can’t explain how I was able to put into music the emotions and feelings that I wasn’t able to speak about in a conversation with someone. I just knew I had to express it the only way I could, I have come to understand that we are made by God with all our emotions and we can’t hide them. They have to be acknowledged, felt, experienced and through that process we grow, gain wisdom and are able to help others going through similar circumstances. To live life to the fullest, to embrace our good times, to keep motivated through the rough times, to know that it will be worth it to have our emotional health.
I had to put my music on hold to raise two wonderful children and keep a household running. My children are adults now and I find myself reflecting on my experiences throughout my life sharing my healing music. I have handed lyrics sheets to friends who were grieving losses in their lives and they have told much it helped them through their difficult time. I have played my music for other friends as well. I spent six months in a small mountain town in Arizona and was able to record and copyright all my healing music.
I am now currently in the recording studio and making professional recordings of this music. I hope that it will continue to help others who have to go through a grieving process. I am still on my healing journey and rely on my faith in God to help me continue to grow, heal and help others.
Thank you for taking the time to read about my music and listen to my songs.
I do truly hope that it will help others who are grieving and on their own healing journey.