The Gift of Grief
Why I consider having to grieve the loss of my brother Ray a gift
If you would have asked me about having to grieve the loss of Ray in the early days, I would have told you it was a curse and the most overwhelming thing I ever had to do in my life. It became a crash course in facing all the emotions of Ray's decision to leave this world as well as all the other emotions I had kept bottled up in my life up to that point. It forced me to acknowledge that all the emotions I was experiencing were expected and needed to be acknowledged as well as processed. The term I now use is, "I was Suffering From Normal", but it felt far from anything the Normal I was used to in my life.
I never had a place that I felt safe to talk about such overwhelming emotions and felt that I was failing as a man, since men are supposed to always be in control of everything and be the anchor for the family. I am determined to use this music and my voice to remove that stigma in our society. Men and women all need a safe place to discuss and work on processing the emotions that are overwhelming in their day to day lives.
Learning to identify, acknowledge and then work to process all of my emotions has turned out to be a true Gift that came out of learning how to grieve in a healthy way and not just self medicate in order to numb out the overwhelming emotions. It has been a long journey and I am still learning how to improve this process, it's like working out at the gym, it takes time and we need to trust the process...the results are well worth the work.
The songs and a brief explanation about them
The Gift of Grief
Songs in Random Order
1. You Broke Your Angels Wings - I wrote this song after attending a regular meeting of my suicide grief support group. A young, pre-teen girl, whose father chose to end his life, was attending our support group one night, accompanied by her grandmother. Normally younger children attend a support group for children, but she had anxiety about going to the children's group alone the first time and asked her grandmother if she could attend her group once to see how it worked.
Sitting across the room from the innocent face of an angel and having to listen to her describe all the same emotions that stopped me in my tracks as an adult was heartbreaking to me. I asked the facilitator of our support group how children grieve the loss of a parent or loved one. She informed me that children can only grieve to their emotional maturity and each time they grew emotionally they would have to continue grieving to this new emotional maturity level. This weighed very heavy on my heart and I spent most of that night writing this song imagining what this angel of a young lady would have to experience grieving the loss of her father. - Purchase Song
2. House of Amazing Grace - The words to Amazing Grace hold a special place in my heart. When I was playing a fingerstyle of The House of the Rising Sun for my son, he told me "Dad, you know the words to Amazing Grace fit into that song", after I tried it a few times, it has now become my favorite way to perform this song. I find the dichotomy of the darkness of the music and the uplifting lyrics to be fitting on the days our grief feels intense.
3. Misery in Memories - I wrote this song on the 2nd anniversary of Ray's passing. I had been grieving for 2 years and many friends and coworkers would say many cliché sayings trying to comfort me. When I told a friend about my grief support group, their response was Misery Loves Company. That didn't compute in my brain because so much of my time grieving I was alone and trapped in thoughts as well as my emotions. I would've preferred to have someone actively listen to me rather than toss out some old cliché, even though I was struggling with how to express all the emotions I was trying to process.
4. The Gift Of Grief - I wrote this song on September 22nd, 1996, Ray's birthday. I was in a sarcastic mood about my grieving and wanted to jokingly thank him for all the added complications he added to my life when he chose to end his life. I touched on many of the feelings that people experience during grief and how we don't always make the best choices or behave as society expects us to every day. So many times I thought I must be going crazy since I was having so much difficulty accepting and processing my grief.
5. Tears Fall Down - Arizona is known for it's summer monsoon rain storms, it was during one of these storms I remembered playing in the rain with Ray during the Colorado rain storms. I had the realization that I no longer would be able to view a rainstorm the same way again. They have become bittersweet memories every time I experience a rain or thunder storm.
6. Now You're Gone - This was the first song I wrote after I returned back from Ray's funeral in Colorado. I didn't sleep much for the 2 weeks after I returned home. I was struggling to accept the fact that Ray was gone. I was still in shock and as the shock started to wane my journey was just beginning..
7. I'll Never Understand - This was the second song I composed for this album and it was a necessary part of my healing journey to accept the fact that I would never understand all the reasons why Ray made the decision to end his life.
8. Life Must Go On - I wrote this song one night when I was trying to imagine what Ray would tell me if he could send me a message from Heaven. I truly believe that he would tell me words of encouragement after seeing how much I was struggling with my grief.
9. Daddy's Little Man - My son was 3 years old when I started my journey grieving Ray, I wanted to convey to my son that no matter what he did in life, I would always be there for him. Experiencing the loss of a loved one to suicide changes the way we look at the ups and downs in our lives and the lives of others. I definitely wanted my son to be able to come to me rather than make the same choice Ray did.
10. Hey If You're There - I had moved away from Colorado 10 years before Ray chose to end his life. I used to call him on his birthday and on holidays, but after he passed, I was no longer able to reach out to him. The irony of grief is usually the person that you would want to talk to about all the things you are struggling with is the person who is no longer here.
11. We Gather Today - I recently lost my best friend Ralph to cancer. We had been friends for over 50 years and had attended school together since Kindergarten. I wrote this song to remember the times we shared in our lives while he was here. This is one of the most emotional songs for me to record since my grief is still so recent. Ironically, he is the one person I keep wanting to share how well my work in the recording studio has gone, so each milestone is a small bittersweet when I can't call and share the news with him.
12. Thank You My Friend - I wrote this song as a thank you to all the people that answered a call or encouraged me in the grief group as I struggled processing my grief. There truly aren't enough words I can express to show my appreciation for them.
13. The Mask (Spoken Word) - I wrote this poem as a tribute to all the survivors of grief who are brave enough to find a grief support group and take off their mask to talk about and process their true feelings. I have learned that a good support group is not there to judge but to reach out a hand or actively listen to our pain. As well as share their pain on the path to processing the grief in their lives. This was so important to me to know that I was not going crazy, but Suffering From Normal during my grief.
